I 


•ILLUSTMTED 


NEW         YOR.K 
GHARLES       SCRIBNEKS     SONS 


A 


wf 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


i 


^ 


0 


I 


Said  in  Fun 


^ 


•IlLUSTf!/IT£D 


NEW         YORK 
CHARLES       SCRIBNERS      SONS 

1889. 


Copyright,   i88g,  by 
Charles  Scribner's  Sons 


Press  of  J.  J.  tittle  &  Co., 
Astor  Place,  New  Yurk. 


616 


*^*  The  jokes  used  in  this  book  are  taken  from  the  periodicals  of 
Messrs.  Harper  and  'Brothers,  from  "Life,"  from  "Puck,"  from  the 
New  York  "Sun,"  and  frojn  the  New  York  "Times":  the  courtesy  of 
the  editors  and  managers  of  those  papers  is  gratefully  acknowledged. 

The  history  of  the  United  States,  left  unfinished,  has  never  before 
been  printed. 

Philip  Henry  Welch  knew  that  a  joke,  to  be  good,  need  cause  no 
pain.  No  witticisms  were  ever  wittier  than  his,  none  ever  held  less 
bitterness,  left  less  sting.  It  was  not  hard  to  find  these  jokes,  it  was 
hard  to  choose  them  :  more  might  easily  have  been  taken,  fewer  could  not 
well  have  been  sele^ed. 

ROBERT  GORDON  BUTLER. 

November  2S,  iSSg. 


CONTENTS 


Pag:e 

More  than  Likelv       .        .         .     i 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  W.  A.  ROGERS      ' 

Safe  Travel   ....  2 

ILLUSTRATED  MY  F.  (1.  ATTWOOD 

Appointment  vs.    Disappointment  5 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  W.  A.  ROGERS 

The  Trials  of  a   Schoolmistress      4 


Domestic  Felicity 


Not  a  Cultured  Taste 


Qtiickly  Ended 

A  Lovely  Compliment 

ILLUSTRATED     BY   C.    D.    GIBSON 
AND   W.    A.    ROGERS 

A  Small  Concession 

ILLUSTRATED    BY    A.   B.  FROST 

Keeping  Within  the  Law   . 


Share  and  Share  Alike 


5 

3 

3 
6 

8 


A   Tiiiielv    Interruption 


An  Artistic  Drawing 


The  Cost  of  an  Education 


Page 
II 

.     If 

II 


Rank  Injustice  .         .         .         .12 

ILLUSTRATED   BY  ].  A.  MITCHELL 


A  Wicked  City 

ILLUSTRATED   BY   F.  OPPER 

He  TDeclined  the  Offer 

ILLUSTRATED    BY    "CHIP" 

Running  for  a  Train     . 
Proof  Positive  . 
A  Tidy  Housewife 


10         A  Sensible  Tramp 


'4 
.   16 

18 

.   18 

18 

•   J9 


10         A  Sign  that  Means  'Business        ig 


Paying  Old  Debts      . 


10 


Winnino   a  Waaer     . 


t9 


Page 

A  Column  Article         .         .  20 

ILLUSTRATED   EV   W.  T.  SMEDLEY 

/;/  Shallow  Waters    .        .  .22 

ILLUSTRATED    BY  \V.  L.  SHEPPARD 

The  Family  Represented         .  24 

ILLUSTRATED    BY  C.  G.  BUSH 

Nothing  is  Perfect     .         .  .26 

To  he  Developed  Later  .         .  26 

Cruelty  to  Animals  .         .  .26 

A  Hopeless  Case    .         .         .  2/ 

A  Popular  Sentiment        .  .  27 

Fulfilling  an  Engagement       .  27 

Something  of  a  Storm       .  .  28 

ILLUSTRATED   BY   O.    HERFORD 

Intimidation  .        .         .        .  ^o 

She  Could  Read  the  Sign  .  .  50 

Not  a  Direct  Reference          .  }o 

Unfortunate  Suggestion     .  .  ji 

Trifling  with  the  Word         .  )i 

A  Poor  fob        .        .        .  .  ^i 


Unnecessary 


Page 

■   34 


ILLUSTRATED   BY   E.  W.  KEMBLE 

No   Time  to  Spare          .         .  ^6 
Helping   the   Cause     .         .         .56 

A  Tender  Heart    ...  36 

A  Great  Saving  of  Time  .        .  57 

A  Hopeful  View  of  Things     .  57 

Inheriting  Property    .        .        .  ^7 

Not  Much  Strength  Required  ^8 

ILLUSTRATED   BY  \V.  P.  SNYDER 

The  Color  of  no  Importance      .  40 


ILLUSTRATED    BY    '-CHIP" 


A  Sudden  TDeath  . 


His  Crowning  Effort 


Credit  versus  Trust 


Summoning  the  Doctor 


Sufficiently  Sober 


A  Serious  Charge 


Not  to  be  Ignored 

II.I.IKIKA  ri.D    I'.V    M.   A.   WOOl.K 


42 

4^ 
4^ 
43 
43 
43 
44 


A  Pretty  Compliment    .         .        }) 

ILLUVrRATKI)    BV    (  .  J.   I  AYLOK 


Welcome  Stranger      .         .         .46 

ILLUSTRAIIJ)    BY    \V.   A.   KodKKS 


Page 


Favorable  Condition  for  Hilarity  48  A  Good  Deal  in  a  'Name 


Economy  is  Wealth    .         .  .48 
Tit  for  Tat  .         .         .        .48 

Defying  Expert  Testimony  .  .  49 

A  Conscientious  Witness       .  49 

A  Noble  Woman       .        .  .49 

A  'Bargain  in  Art         .        .  yO 

ILLUSTRATED   BY  A.  P..  FROST 

Appropriate  to  the  Occasion  .  52 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  C.  D.  GIBSON 

Putting  it  Delicately  .        .  .  ^4 

Attended  To          ...  5^ 

A  TDijfciilt   Commission    .  .  ^4 


He  Kneic  He  Was  Rigl?t 


Time  is  Money  . 


Page 

59 
59 
39 


His  Ears  Deceived  Him         .       60 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  W.  T.  SMEDLEY. 


On  the  Island 


An  Unforeseen  Accident 


62 


62 


A  Yoiinor  Woman's  Taste  .        .  62 


Recalling  a  Quotation   .  .       6? 

'Better  than  a  Stove  .        .  .6} 

Taking  Notes  for  a  'Book  .       6j 

Troubled  with  Insomnia     .  .  64 

ILLUSTRATED   BY   E.  \V.  KEMBLE 


A  TDifficiilt  Literary  Performance  55 
A  Necessary  Caution  .  .  ^5 
Not  the  First  Time  .  .  ^^ 
Imposing  upon  the  Poor     .        .  56 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  \V.  A.  ROGERS 

/;/  the   Catskills.    ...       55 


A   Young  Man's  Cupidity      .       66 

ILLUSTRATED    BY   \V.   A.  ROGERS 


A  Possible  Catastrophe  .        .  68 

Easily  Identified     .        .  .       68 

Everything  First   Class  .        .  68 

A  'Brace  of  Compliments  .       6g 


A  Chilly  Evening 


5S 


Accounted  For  .        .        .         .  6g 


He  Can't   Get  justice 


55  Contempt  of  Court 


6g 


Page 


Reading  Maketh  a  Full   Man     .  6g  The  Reason    Why 


Lovers  of  Base  Ball 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  M.  A.  WOOLF 


A  Sufficient  Reason 


Almost  Forgotten  Him 


Starting  in  Right 


Proof 
Recaptured 


better  than  Nothing 


JO  Thoroughly  Prepared 


J2 

y2 

J2 


7i 


75 


An  Eye  to  Economy  .        .  7^ 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  S.  NY.  VAN  SHAICK 


Wasteful    . 


A  War  ^Reminiscence     . 
The  Nature  of  an  Oath 


Page 
■     76 

76 

•  77 

77 

■  7S 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  W.  L.  SHEPPARD 


73         An  Evening's  Pleasure  Spoiled    80 


ILLUSTRATED    BY  A.  E.  STERNER 


Logical 


82 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  W.  A.  ROGERS 


<tA  Shabby  zAffair  .        .        .       84 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  \V.  A.  ROGERS 


The  One  Who   Celebrates 


76 


The  United  States  :  a  History     8^ 


MORE    THAN    LIKELY. 


squeeze 
',  there  was  at  the  Von  Twiller 
;     reception  last  night  I 

Grach — Yes  ;   George  and 
I  had  to  sit  outside,  on 
the  stairs. 
HoRTENSE — Did    the    squeeze 
continue  out  there  ? 


-A 


^W^^^Jk^ 


6^ 


T'^^ 


SAFE  TRAVEL. 


I    NEVER    take    a    sleeper 
*      when  I  travel,"  said  Fakir 
to  Footlights,  as  they  strolled  along 
,ijy     the  Rialto.  "  There's  such  a  danger 
li"    \i     •^'\l     of  fire    from  the  hangings,  and,  in 

case  of  a  crash,  just  think  of  the 

immense  weight   of  the  cars  !  " 

"Yes,"   replied    Footlights, 

\\J\M'^^  half  musingly,  "  I  suppose  it 

S^-^^     n^     really  is  safer  to— walk  !" 


APPOINTMENT   VERSUS   DISAPPOINTMENT. 

PHOTOGRAPHER  (displaying  some   photographs) — You 
would  hardly  think  those  two  pictures  represented  the 
same  man,  would  you  ? 
Gentleman— No,  certainly  not. 

Photographer — Well,  they  do.  One  represents  him  before 
he  went  to  Washington,  and  the  other  after  he  came 
back. 


THE  TRIALS  OF  A  SCHOOLMISTRESS. 

TEACHER  (in  mental  arithmetic) — If  there  were  three 
peaches  on  the  table,  Johnny,  and  your  little  sister  should 
eat  one  of  them,  how  many  would  be  left  ? 

Johnny — How  many  little  sisters  would  be  left  ? 

Te.acher — Now  listen.  Johnny.     If  there  were  three  peaches 

on  the  table,  and  \'our  little  sister  should  eat  one,  how 

many  would  be  left  ? 
Johnny — We  ain"t  had  a  peach  in  the  house  this  year,  let 

alone  three. 
Teacher — We  are  only  supposing  the  peaches  to  be  on  the 

table,  Johnnw 
Johnny — Then  they  wouldn't  be  real  peaches  ? 
Teacher — No. 

Johnny — Would  they  be  preserved  peaches  ? 
Teacher — Certainly  not. 
Johnny— Pickled  peaches  ? 
Teacher— No.  no.     There  wouldn't  be  any  peaches  at  all,  as 

1  told  you,  Johnny  :  we  only  suppose  the  three  peaches 

to  be  there. 

Johnny — Then  there  wouldn't  be  any  peaches,  of  course. 

Teacher— Now,  Johnny,   put  that  knife  in  your  pocket,  or  1 

will  take  it  away,  and  pay  attention  to  what  1  am  sa\ing. 

We  imagine  three  peaches  to  be  on  the  table. 
Johnny — Yes. 
Teacher— And  \-onr  little  sister  eats  one  of  them,  and  \hvn 

goes  away. 
Johnny — Yes,  but  she  wouldn't  go  away  until  she  had  finished 

the  three.     Yon  don't  know  m\'  little  sister. 
Teacher — But  suppose  your  mother  was  there.  ;ind  wouldn't 

let  her  eat  but  one. 
Jcjhnny — Mother's  out  of  town,  and  won't  be  back  till  next 

week. 


Teacher— Now,  Johnny,  1  will  put  the  question  once  more, 
and  if  you  do  not  answer  it  correctly,  1  shall  keep  you  after 
school.  If  three  peaches  were  on  the  table  anci  your  little 
sister  were  to  eat  one  of  thein,  how  many  would  be  left  ? 

Johnny  (straiii:htening  up) — There  wouldn't  be  any  peaches 
left,     rd  grab  the  other  two. 

Teacher  (touching  the  bell) — The  scholars  are  now  dismissed. 
Johnny  White  will  remain  where  he  is. 

DOMESTIC  FHLlCltV. 

Mrs.  McNamara  —  Yis,  Mrs.  Cummiskey,  Tve  been  married 

now  goin'  on  twinty-three  year,  and  Mac  and  1  have  niver 

had  a  serious  quarrel. 
Mrs.C. — Well,  thin,  it's  a  happy  woman  you  ought  to  be,  for 

many's  the  row  Peter  and  I  have  had,  God  be  good  to 

us  all. 
Mrs.  McN. — Oh,  for  that  matter,  we've  had  hard  words  now 

and  agin,  and  maybe  now  and  thin  a  blow,  but  what  1 

mean  is,  1  niver  had  to  call  in  the  police. 

NOT  A  CULTURED  TASTE. 

Amateur  Actor  (who  played  Hamlet) — How  were  you  pleased 

with  our  entertainment.  Miss  Smith  ? 
Miss  Smith  (a  truthful  girl) — Well-er-  Mr.  Fresh,  I  am  sorry  to 

say  it,  but  1  wasn't  altogether  pleased. 
Amateur  Actor  (very  much  surprised) — Is  it  possible?     I 

thought  you  admired  Shakespeare. 

QUICKLY  ENDED. 

"  1  hear  Jones  called  you  a  liar  last  night." 

'•Yes." 
"Well,  I  hope  the  matter  didn't  end  there." 

"It  did,  though.     Some  of  Jones's  friends  grabbed  hold 
of  him." 


A  LOVELY  COMPLIMENT. 

CLARA — I  had  a  lovely  compliment  last  evening  from  Mr. 
Featherly. 
Ethel — No  !  What  was  it  ? 

Clara— He  spoke  of  my  hands.     He  said  1  had  the  hands  of 
a  Venus  de  Milo.     Wasn't  it  sweet  in  him  ? 


A  SMALL  CONCESSION. 

ELDERLY  LADY  (to  boy  in  hardware  store) — Hev  ye  got 
any  o"  them  hand-bellows  fer  biiildin"  fires  ? 
Boy — Yes"m  :  there's  somethin"  nice — twenty-five  cents  each. 
Elderly  Lady — Is  that  the  cheapest  ye  can  sell  em  ? 
Boy — Yes'm  ;  but  111  tell  you  what  Ell  do  :  as  you  don't  look 
to  be  a  very  stren"thy  old   leddy,  111  lill  it  with  wind 
fer  you. 


8 


KEEPING    WITHIN    THE    LAW. 

WHY  don't  you  challenge  him.  Colonel  ?" 
'"Because   duelling   is  agin  the  law  in  this  State," 
replied  the  Colonel;   "but  if  ever  1  get  a  good  chance,  I'll 
assassinate  him."' 

SHARE    AND    SHARE    ALIKE. 

Gentleman — What  are  you  doing  nowadays,  Uncle  Rastus  ? 
Uncle  Rastus — Ise  workin'  fo'  Sam  Jones,  sah. 
Gentleman — What  at  } 
Uncle  Rastus — Pickin'  blackberries  up  on  ole  Mrs.  Brown's 

pasture  lot. 
Gentleman — Doesn't  Mrs.  Brown  object  to  it  ? 
Uncle  Rastus — She  doan"  know  it,  sah. 
Gentleman — What  does    Sam    pay  you    for    picking    Mrs. 

Brown's  berries  ? 
Uncle  Rastus — He  'lows  me  half  what  1  pick. 

PAYING    OLD    DEBTS. 

"Its  a  terrible  thing  to  owe  money,"  said  Smith;  "to  be 
compelled  t(j  dodge  around  this  corner  and  that  to 
avoid  meeting  a  creditor  on  the  street.  It  takes  the 
manhood  out  of  one.  and  he  soon  loses  all  self-respect. 
I  am  glad  to  say  that  1  no  longer  owe  a  dollar."" 
"Then  those  old  debts  that  have  bothered  you  so  long 
are  all  scjuared  up,  are  they  ?" 

"Yes,  thank  heaven  I     The  last  one  became  outlawed  yes- 
terday." 


lO 


H 


A  TIMELY  INTERRUPTION. 

AS  anyone  ever  proposed  to  you  before?"  he  asked 
tenderly,  after  the  important  question  had  been  put  and 
satisfactorily  answered. 

"George  Simpson  came  very  near  it  only  last  night,""  she 
ansv/ered  shyly.  "  He  was  just  on  the  point  of  asking 
me  to  be  his  wife  when  mamma  came  into  the  parlor. 
But  1  am  very  glad  she  did,"'  went  on  the  girl  earnestly. 
"I  don't  think  1  would  have  been  happy  with  George." 

AN    ARTISTIC    DRAWING. 

Young  Artist  (displaying  a  picture)— This  painting  is  en- 
titled 'Jonah  and  the  Whale." 

Possible  Purchaser— Where  is  Jonah  ? 

Young  Artist— You  notice  the  rather  distended  appearance  of 
the  whale's  stomach  midway  between  the  tail  and  the 
neck  ? 

Possible  Purchaser — Yes. 

Young  Artist — That's  Jonah. 

THE  COST  OF  AN  EDUCATION. 

"Your  studies  are  costing  me  a  great  deal,"  said  a  father  to 
his  son  as  he  reached  in  his  pocket  for  money  to  buy 
more  books  with. 
"  1  know  it,  father,"  replied  the  son  with  some  emotion, 
as  he  pocketed  a  $io  bill;  "and  I  don't  study  very 
hard,  either." 


II 


RANK   INJUSTICE. 

WHAT  did  the  horses  stop  for,  George  ?  " 
"They  made  a  fiilse  start  and  have  to  go  back  to  the 
post  again."' 
"Oh,  George,  and  the  horse  we  are  betting  on  was  ever  so 
far  ahead  I  1  don't  think  that's  fair." 


12 


13 


A  WICKED  CITY. 

WHEN  1  cLini  to  New  York/'  said  a  countryman.  "  I  allers 
go   round  holdin'  on  to  my  pocket  book  like  grim 
death.     You  can't  tell  what  minute  some  feller  may  rob 
you.     This  city  is  full  of  thieves." 
"  Do  you  carry  much  money  with  you  ?" 
"Eve  got  about  S200  now.     1  sold  an  old  boss  this  niornin 
that  1  slicked  up  for  S200  that  warn't  worth  $7^.     1  see 
in  a  minute  that  the  feller  I  sold  him  to  didn't  know 
nothin'  "bout  bosses.'' 


14 


--    c^t^e.— 


15 


HE  DECLINED  THE  OFFER. 

GENTLEMAN  (.to  little  boy )— What  are  you  going  to  do 
witli  the  puppy,  little  boy  ? 
Little  Boy — Vm  goin'  to  drown  him. 
Gentleman— ril  give  you  a  dollar  for  hiiiL 
Little  Buy  (after  due  consideration) — N-nop,  I  guess  not.  You 
see,  Ld  have  to  give  most  of  the  money  to  father,  and  1 
wouldn't  have  the  fun  of  drowning  the  dog.  Nop,  1  guess 
I  won't  sell  him. 


16 


17 


RUNNING  FOR  A  TRAIN. 

STRANGER  (in  great  haste,  with  a  valise  in  his  hand) — Can 
\OLi  tell  me  the  time,  sir? 
Citizen  (consulting  his  watch) — I  can  give  you  town  time,  if 
thafll  do  ;  but  it's  twenty  minutes  slower  than  railroad 
time. 
Stranger  (shooting  ahead) — Town  time  won't  do.     I've  got 
to  catch  a  train. 

PROOF  POSITIVE. 

"We  have  held  a  consultation,"  said  a  doctor  to  his  patient, 
"but  we  are  unable  to  agree  as  to  the  exact  nature  of 
your  disease.  Three  of  the  physicians  are  of  one 
opinion,  while  1  am  of  another." 
■■  But,  doctor,"  said  the  patient  anxiously,  '"  how  will  the 
matter  be  settled  ?  " 

"Oh,  the  autopsy  will  show  who  knows  best." 

A   TIDY   HOUSEWIFE. 

A  woman  was  in  a  grocery  store  looking  at  rolling-pins. 
"You  may  give  me  two  of  them,"  she  said. 

"Two  of  them  ?  '  ciueried  the  clerk. 
"Yes,  I  want  to  keep  one  of  them  clean  for  bread." 


i8 


A   SENSIBLE  TRAMP. 

A  TRAMP  applied  at  the  back  door  for  assistance  just  as 
the  minister's  family  was  preparin.L(  for  morning  prayers. 
"My  good  man/'  said  the  minister  kindly,  "we  would  be 
glad  to  have  you  join  us  in  our  devotions,  after  which 
you  will  receive  a  nice  breakfast." 
"Certainly,''  replied  the  tramp  graciously;  "show  me 
right  in.  A  man  who  is  kicked  and  buffeted  about  the 
world  as  1  am,  ought  not  to  be  squeamish  in  the  f:ice 
of  a  square  meal." 

A  SIGN  THAT  MEANS  BUSINESS. 

"We're  going  to  move  again,"  said  the  boy  to  the  grocer  on 

the  corner. 
"No.   you're   not.     When  1  called  with   the   bill    your 

father  said  he  was  going  to  stay  all  winter." 
"Well,  we  ain't.     Ma's  throwing  the  ashes  and  sweepings 

down  cellar,  and  that  means  business  every  time." 

WINNING   A   WAGER. 

"Poor  John   was  so  fond  of    gambling,"   said   a   bereaved 

widow.     "His  last  bet  was  $so  that  he  could  eat  300 

clams  in  20  minutes." 
"  Did  he  win  the  bet  ?" 
"Yes,  he  won  the  bet,"  sighed  the  widow,  "but  the  money 

didn't  do  us  any  good.     It  took  every  cent  of  it  to  bury 

him." 


19 


A   COLUMN   ARTICLE. 

HUSBAND  (at  the  breakfast  table;— 1  think  ifs  disgusting 
the  amount  of  space  the  newspapers  devote  to  this 
prize  fighter  Sullivan.  His  every  movement  is  given  to 
the  last  detail.  This  paper  has  a  column  article  con- 
cerning him  ? 
WiFH — Is  that  so  ?  Let  me  see  the  paper. 
Husband — Well,  wait  a  minute:  1  haven't  finished  the  article 
myself  yet. 


20 


1      \    I 


21 


IN  SHALLOW  WATERS. 

SHE — I  must  show  you  my  new  clock  before  you  .2:0. 
He  (facetiously) — Some  of  my  friends  tell  me  1  am  homely 
enough  to  stop  a  clock. 

She— Oh,  that  won't  matter !  It  can  be  started  again. 


22 


23 


THE    FAMILY   REPRESENTED. 

JONES  (at  the  circus)— Hello,  Smith,  you  here  ? 
Smith— Yes,  1  had  to  come  to  take  care  of  my  little  boy. 
Jones— Where's  the  boy  ? 

Smith— He  was  taken  sick  at  the  last  moment  and  couldn't 
come. 


24 


25 


NOTHING   IS   PERFECT. 

AGENT  (to  woman   who  lias  bought  a  Bible  on  install- 
L     ments) — I've  called,  ma'am,  for  the  monthly  payment. 
Woman — All  right:  Eve  got  it  tied  up  in  a  rag  tor  you.     Ill 

fetch  it. 
Agent — You  are  pleased  with  the  book,  of  course,  ma'ani  ? 
Woman — Well,  yes;  1  like  the  kivver,  but  neither  me  nor  the 
old  man  are  much  sot  on  the  readin"  matter. 

TO    BE    DEVELOPED    LATER. 

"  So  your  old  uncle  is  dead,  Charley  ?  "" 

"Yes,  died  yesterday." 
"  He  was  a  very  eccentric  old  fellow.     Do  you  think  he  was 
altogether  right  in  his  head  ?  "" 

"  Well-er- 1  couldn't  say,  you  know,  until  the  will  is  read." 

CRUELTY   TO   ANIMALS. 

Di;  Thompkyns  (who  has  been  narrating  an  incident   in    his 

career) — Oh.  /'/;/  no  fool  ! 
Paperwate — N-n-no,  you're  no  fool,  but  (enthusiastically)  what 

a  substitute  you  would  make  ! 


26 


Y 


A    HOPELHSS   CASE. 

OU  haven't  paid  the  last  premiiiin  on  your  wife's  life  in- 
surance, Uncle  Rastus,"  said  the  a.i^ent. 
''  I  know  I  hain't.  I  got  dat  ole  'oman's  life  'sured 
foah  yeahs  ago,  sah,  an'  she  hain't  been  sick  er  day 
sense.  Dis  niawnin'  she  kicked  me  out  ob  bed  wif  wun 
fut.  She  weighs  sixty  poun's  nior'n  she  ebber  did.  'Bout 
er  hour  ago  she  eat  a  fo'ty  cent  watermillion  an'  drunker 
quart  ob  cider,  and  she  am  nowsleepin'  off  the  effec's 
wif  de  presY^rashun  rollin'  down  her  face  dat  am  de 
perfec'  pictur'  ob  health.  Wot's  de  use  'suring  an  ole 
'oman  like  dat  ?  She  hain't  nebber  goin'  ter  die,  'deed 
she  ain't.  Don't  yo'  go  fo'  ter  ask  fo'  no  mo'  prem- 
yums." 

A   POPULAR   SENTIMENT. 

Young  Lady  (to  army  officer  at  Washington) — Capt.  Dry- 
powder,  of  the  many  famous  remarks  made  by  Gen. 
Grant,  which  do  you  think  reflects  the  most  credit  Lipon 
him  ? 

Army  Officer  (unhesitatingly) — Let  us  have  peace. 

FULFILLING   AN    ENGAGEMENT. 

Morn/iig— Old  Darky  (at  gentleman's  office) — Gud  mawnin', 
boss.     Can't  yer  'sist  an  ole  man  dis  mawnin',  sah  ? 

Gentleman — Not  this  morning.     Charity  begins  at  home. 

Night— Same  old  Darky  (at  gentleman's  home)  — Gud  evenin', 
boss.  1  called  at  yer  home  fer  a  little  'sistance,  'cordin' 
to  our  prearrangement  dis  mawnin',  sah. 


27 


SOMETHING  OF  A  STORM. 

WAS  it  raining  very  hard  when  you  came  in  ?  "  asked 
Bobby  of  Featherly,  who  was  making  an  evening 
call. 
"Raining?""  said  Featherly.  "  Certainly  not ;  the  stars 
were  out." 
'Mfs  funny,""  continued  Bobby  thoughtfully.  "Pa  had  a 
gentleman  here  to  dinner  to-night,  and  I  heard  ma  say 
as  you  came  up  the  steps  that  it  never  rains  but  it 
pours." 


28 


29 


INTIMIDATION. 

REGINALD — Papa,  can  I  have  a  piece  of  mince  pie  ? 
Papa — Yon  may,  if  you  will  promise  not  to  tell  mamnia 
that  I  gave  it  to  you. 

(Pie  is  devoured  in  silence. ) 
Reginald — Please  can  I  have  some  more  ? 
Papa  (sternly ) — No  more,  sir ! 

Reginald  (after  a  pause)— If  you  don"t  let  me  I   shall   tell 
mamma.     (He  got  it.) 

SHE  COULD  READ  THE  SIGN. 

Miss  Kansas — I  wish  to  see  Madame  Lucette. 
Young  Modiste — Madame  Lucette  is  not  in  at  present. 
Miss   Kansas — Well,   then,    tell    Madame    Cie    to  be  good 
enough  to  take  my  order. 

NOT  A  DIRECT  REFERENCE. 

Dumley  (to  landlady) — Dr.  B.  was  asking  after  you,  to-day, 

Mrs.  Hendricks. 
Mrs.  Hendricks — Thanks  :  the  Doctor  is  very  kind. 
Dumley — He  boarded  with  you  at  one  time,  did  he  not  ? 
Mrs.  Hendricks — He  took  table  board  only  for  a  little  while, 

but  he  found  the  location  rather  inconvenient.     Did  he 

re<er  to  boarding  with  me  ? 
Dumley — No,  not  directly.     He  gave  me  a  prescription,  and 

when  I  askrd  liini  ill  should  take  it  before  or  after  meals, 

he  said  it  wouidn  t  make  thr  slightest  difference. 


3° 


UNFORTUNATE    SUGGESTION. 

ELDERLY  MAIDEN  (to  druggists  boy)— Well,  1  do  declare, 
If  1  ain't  forgot  what  I  came  for ! 
Boy  (full  of  business) — Hair  dye  ?    rouge  ?   lotion  to  remove 
freckles  ?  wrinkle  eradicator  ?  bottle  Bloom  of  Youth  ? 
Elderly  maiden  hails  a  passing  street-car. 

TRIFLING   WITH   THE   WORD. 

Old  Mr.  Bently — 1  see  by  the  paper  that  a  revised  edition  of 
the  Old  Testament  is  to  be  published  soon. 

Old  Mrs.  Bently — Does  it  say  who  writ  it  ? 

Old  Mr.  Bently— No. 

Old  Mrs.  Bently — Well,  it's  perfectly  scandalous.  1  s'pose  it 
was  that  man  Ingersoll. 

A    POOR  JOB. 

Bobby  (standing  before  the  glass) — Did  God  make  n^e,  ma  ? 

Mother— Yes,  dear. 

Bobby — Well,  he  made  a  poor  Job  of  these  two  front  teeth  ! 


31 


3^ 


A  PRHTTY  COMPLIMENT. 

CLARA — I  understand  that  Mr.   Featheiiy  paid  me  a  very 
pretty  compliment  to-day. 
Ethel — Yes  ?    What  was  it  ? 
Clara — He  said  that  among  the  most  beautiful  young  ladies 

at  the  party  last  night  was  Miss  Clara  Smith. 
Ethhl  (with  a  cough) — Yes,  1  noticed  you  among  them. 


2>?, 


UNNECESSARY. 

COLONEL  B.  (sojourning  in  Paris)— What  is  the  proper 
French  expression  to  be  used  in  accepting  an  invitation 
to  drink  ? 
M.   Cobalt — You   should   say  "  Avec    plaisir,"   Monsieur   le 

Colonel. 
Colonel  B. — Ah,  "  Avec  plaisir."    All  right! 
M.  Cobalt— And  when  you  decline  an  invitation  you  should 

say,  "  Non,  merci." 
Colonel  B. — Oh,  that  wouldn't  be  of  any  use  to  me. 


34 


/  ^Z///- 


35 


NO  TIME  TO   SPARE. 

GENTLEMAN— Uncle  Rastus.  Eve  got  a  job  of  white- 
washing for  you. 

Uncle  Rastus — Well.  1  kain"t  do  hit  terday.  sah. 

Gentleman — What's  the  matter.  I  thougiit  vou  were  anxious 
for  work. 

Uncle  Rastus— So  I  is,  sah.  But  yo'  see.  boss,  de  Colored 
Workin'men's  Amalgumated  'Sociashun  fo' de  pertecshun 
ob  de  laborin"  man  frum  de  encroachments  an'  inroads  ob 
cap'talists  meets  terday,  an"  Ese  ben  "lected  cha'rman  ob 
de  occashun.  So,  yo'  see.  boss.  1  hain't  got  no  time  to 
spa'r. 

HELPING   THE   CAUSE. 

They  were  trying  to  raise  money  to  pay  off  the  indebted- 
ness of  the  church. 

Deacon — Have  you  called  on  old  Mr.  Moneybags  yet  ? 
Minister — No.     He  is  very  sick,  and  1  thought  1  would  wait 

until  he  gets  better. 
Deacon  (earnestly)— Don't  you  wait  a  minute.     Strike  him 

while  he  is  very  sick,     it  will  be  too  late  wh.en  he  gets 

better. 

A  TENDER   HEART. 

Young  Lady — And  so  you've  really  been  off  on  a  whaling 
voyage,  Mr.  Hardyman  ? 

Mk.  Hardyman— Yes. 

Young  Lady— How  delightful!  1  am  passionate!)  loud  of 
fishing,  t(^o,  but  1  feel  sorry,  sometimes,  for  the  poor  little 
helpless,  wriggling  things,  it  seems  so  cruel. 


36 


A   GREAT   SAVING   OF  TIME. 

GFNTLFMAN   (to  popular  photo.i^rapher) — Do  you  take 
plioto,i>raphs  by  the  instantaneous  process? 
Photographkr — Oh,  yes,  sir,  or  any  process. 
Ghntleman— Well,  1  want  about  half  a  dozen  cabinets  of  my- 
self, and  as  I'm  in  something  of  a  hurry,  you  may  use  the 
instantaneous  process. 
Photographer — Very  well,  sir.     Just  take  a  seat  in  the  parlor. 
Your  turn  will  come  in  about  three  hours. 

A   HOPEFUL  VIEVv^   OF  THINGS. 

Friend  (to  young  author)  — How  are  you  succeeding  in  your 

literary  work  ? 
Young  Author  (hopefully)— Well,  comparatively  speaking,  1 

am  doing  well. 
Friend — What  is  "comparatively  speaking?'" 
Young  Author — One  of  the  greatest  modern  writers  wrote 

for  twenty  years  before  he  had  a  single  MS.  accepted.     1 

have  only  been  writing  Five  years.     Compared  with  him, 

I  Hatter  myself  I  am  doing  well. 

INHERITING    PROPERTY. 

Father  (out  of  patience) — If  you  ask  any  more  foolish  ques- 
tions, Bobby,  I  shall  send  you  to  bed. 

Bobby  (after  a  long  silence)  — Pa,  when  a  man  dies  worth  ten 
thousand  dollars,  his  heirs  get  the  money,  don't  they  ? 

Father — Yes. 

Bobby  (after  another  long  silence)— Well,  pa,  when  a  trotting 
horse  dies  worth  ten  thousand  dollars,  who  gets  the 
money  ? 

Father  (angrily )— You  get  to  bed. 


37 


NOT  MUCH  STRHNGTH  REQUIRED. 

L\DY  — Hammocks,  please. 
/     Dealer— Yes'm  ;  something  strong  enough  for  two  ? 
Lady — No:  strong  enough  for  one.     Tve  been  married  three 
months. 


38 


o-^y 


39 


THE   COLOR   OF  NO    IMPORTANCE. 

GROCER— Half  n  pound  of  tea?    Which  will  you  have, 
black  or  green  ? 
Shrvant— Shure,   aythur  will  do.     It's  for   an  ould   woman 
that's  nearly  bloind. 


40 


_^:r^.      '— ■ 

■     - — 

')^ 

— v.-—- r 

1^ 

A. 

jj|||ii.i^f.:^,fj 

use  §r 

CHE  Ed  E 
^^       TEL  LY. 


41 


A  SUDDEN    DEATH. 

KENTUCKY  CORONER— Yes.  the  papers  found  upon  the 
deceased  prove  that  he  was  Colonel  Blood. 
Witness— There  was  also  a  quart  bottle  found  in  one  of  his 

pockets. 
Coroner — Was  the  bottle  empty  ? 
Witness — No.  sir,  it  was  full— hadn't  been  touched. 
Coroner — Poor  fellow,  he  must  have  died  without  a  moment's 
warnini<. 

HIS   CROWNING   EFFORT. 

''Lionel,  that  poem  is  beautiful  !  " 

"Yes,  Agatha,  it  is  the  crowning  effort  of  my  life." 
"  Lionel— my  Lionel  I  it  will  bring  you  fame,  eternal  fame, 
will  it  not  ? '' 

'■  Yes,  Agatha — and  perhaps  two  dollars." 

CREDIT   VERSUS  TRUST. 

Grocer— So  you've  given  up  drinking.  Uncle  Rastus  ? 
Uncle  Rastus — Yes,    sah.     1  hain't  touched  er  drap   in   fo' 

weeks. 
Grocer — You  deserve  a  great  deal  of  credit. 
Uncle  Rastus— Yes,  sah.     That's  jes  \vh;it  1  se/,  an'  1  was 

gwine  ter  ask  yo',  Mistah  Smif,  ef  yo'  cud  trus'  me  to  er 

ham  ? 


42 


SUMMONING   THK    DOCTOR. 

DOCTOR/'  said  an  anxious  citizen,  "something  has  hap- 
pened to  my  wile.     Her  mouth  seems  set.  and  she 
can't  say  a  word." 
"Why,  she  must  have  lockjaw,"  said  the  doctor. 
"Do  you  think  so?    Well,  if  you're  up  my  way  sometime 
next  week,  1  wish  you  would  stop  in  and  see  what  you 
can  do  for  her." 

SUFFICIHNTLY   SOBRR. 

"  Do  you  allow  drunken  people  on  the  train  ?"  asked  an  old 
man  at  the  City  Hall  elevated  station. 
"Sometimes,  but  not  when  they're  too  drunk."  replied 
the  brakeman.     "Just  take  a  seat  near  the  middle  of 
the  car  and  keep  quiet  and  you'll  be  all  riii^ht." 

A   SERIOUS   CHARGE. 

Magistrate — You    are    charged    with    misdemeanor,    Uncle 

Rastus. 
Uncle  Rastus  (m  alarm) — Wif  Miss  who,  yc/  Honah  ? 
Magistate— Misdemeanor. 
Uncle  Rastus — ^Jedge,  1  solumly  sw'ar  da  hain't  no  lady  in 

dis  case  whatsumebber.     Deed  da  hain't. 


43 


NOT  TO    BE   IGNORED. 

BIG    SISTER    (shouting  to   Bobby)— Bah-bee  !    You   are 
wanted  to  do  an  errand  ! 
Bobby  (shouting  back) — Tell  mother  1  cant  do  it  now.     I'm 

busy. 
Bi(}  Sister — Its  ncjt  mother  wants  you  ;  its  lather. 
Bobby  (hastily) — All  right.     Tell  him  Ell  be  there  in  a  minute. 


44 


.',//,;'/ 


1 1 :i/^ /////// 


45 


WELCOME   STRANGER. 

IT  fills  ni>'  heart  with  joy,"  said  an  earnest  countr)'  cler^^y- 
iiian  at  the  conclusion  of  his  sermon,  ''to  see  so  many 
stran,((ers  amon.s^  our  congregation  on  this  beautiful  Sablxith 
morning.  Sojourners  in  our  town  are  always  welcome.  We 
want  them  to  come.  Young  men  and  old  men  whom  pleas- 
ure or  business  has  called  away  from  the  softening  influences 
of  home,  we  greet  with  open  hearts.  The  collection  will  now 
be  taken  up." 


46 


47 


FAVORABLE   CONDITION    FOR   HILARITY. 

THH  first  time  I  heard  that  story,"  said  Dumley,  "  1  thought 
1  would  die  o"  laughing.  But  I  can't  see  very  mucli  in 
it  now." 
''When  did  you  hear  it  first,"  he  was  asked. 
"One  night  when  I  was  sitting  up  with  a  corpse.  I  thought 
I  would  waken  the  whole  neighborhood  before  I  got 
through.  But  anything,"  he  added,  "sounds  funny 
when  you  are  sitting  up  with  a  corpse." 

ECONOMY  IS   WEALTH. 

Lady  (to  grocer) — I  notice  you  keep  cigars. 

Grocer — Yes,  mum.     Only  a  dollar  and  a  half  a  box,  mum. 

Lady — Is  it  possible?  Why  my  husband  sometimes  pays  as 
high  as  fifteen  cents  apiece  for  cigars.  You  can  send  a 
couble  of  boxes.  It's  the  height  of  folly  for  him  to  buy 
cigars  at  retail  when  they  can  be  had  for  so  much  less  by 
the  box. 

TIT   FOR   TAT. 

Visitor  (in  private  art  gallery) — I  do  not  see.  Mr.  Pourke.  that 
the  Cjerman  school  of  art  is  represented  among  your  col- 
lection. 

Mr.  Pourkh  (a  Chicago  capitalist)— No,  sir.  Bismarck  re- 
fuses to  t;ikc  my  hogs.     I  want  none  ol  his  art. 


48 


DKFYING   HXPHRT  TKSTIMONY. 

CIJFNT  (to  lawyer)  1  iiin  afmid  the  physician's  testimony 
will  convict  nie. 
Lawyhr  (reassLirin,i(ly) — Don't  be  alarmed  about  that.  I'll  read 
up  a  little  about  poison  in  the  stomach,  and  in  ten  min- 
utes ril  have  that  doctor  in  a  cold  sweat,  and  make  the 
jud,^'e  and  jury  think  he  is  a  hired  perjurer. 

A   CONSCIENTIOUS   WITNESS. 

Counsel  (to  witness) — The  previous  witness  swore  that  when 

found  he  was  breathing  like  a  porpoise. 
Witness — 1  dunno  'bout  dat,  sah. 
Counsel — You  were  present  ? 
Witness— Yes,  sah. 

Counsel — Examined  him  thoroughly  ? 
Witness — Yes,  sah.     I  zamined  him  keerfully. 
Counsel — ^And  yet  you  will  not  swear  that  he  was  breathing 

like  a  porpoise  ? 
Witness— No,  sah. 

Counsel — You  will  state  to  the  Court  why. 
Witness — Cos  1  nebber  heard  a  po'poise  breave,  sah. 

A  NOBLE   WOMAN. 

Second   Husband  (to  wife)— Are  you  as  fond  of  me  as  you 

were  of  your  first  husband,  dear  ? 
Wife — Yes,  indeed  ;  and  if  you  were  to  die,  John,  1  should  be 

just  as  fond  of  my  third.     I'm  not  a  woman  to  marry  for 

anything  but  love. 


49 


A    BARGAIN    IN    ART. 

OLD  MR.  BENTLEY  brought  home  a  painting  which  he 
exhibited  to  his  wife  witli  great  pride. 
"There  ! ''  he  said,  "what  do  you  think  o"  that  ?    Cost  only 
$1,  frame  an"  all,  an'  its  a  genooine — genooine — "" 
"  Rubbins  ?  "'  suggested  old  Mrs.  Bentley. 
"No,  tain't  Rubbins.     H'm,  begins  with  a  C — chronio  ;  thats 
it — a  genooine  chromo.'' 


50 


51 


APPROPRIATE   TO   THH   OCCASION. 

FEATHKRLY  is  something  of  a  musician,  and  was  attend- 
ing an    evening  party   given    in    lionor  of  tlie   eldest 
daughter  of  the  family. 

'T  should  be  glad  if  you  would  sing  something,  Mr.  Featherly," 
said  the  hostess. 
"Certainly,  my  dear  madam.     Will  you  suggest  a  song  ?  " 
"Oh,   anything  that  is  appropriate  to  the  occasion.     I  will 
leave  the  selection  with  you." 
So  Featherly,  with  that  rare  tact    and   discrimination    for 
which   he  is  S(;  justly  popular  in  societ\',  sat  down  at  the 
piano  and  sang  "  Backward,  Turn  Backward,  O  Time,  in  thy 
Flight." 


52 


I 


PUTTING   IT   DELICATELY. 

HOPE  you  appreciate  the  fact,  sir,  that  in  marrying  my 
daughter  you  marry  a  large-hearted,  generous  girl.'" 
"I  do,  sir  (with  emotion) :  and  I  hope  she  inherits  those 
qualities  from  her  father." 

ATTENDED   TO. 

Smith  (to  milkman)— Lll  have  to  ask  you  to  chalk  it  up. 
Milkman  (abstractedly)— Oh  thafs  all  been  attended  to — oh — 
er — beg  your  pardon  ;  certainly,  take  your  own  time. 

A    DIFFICULT   COMMISSION. 

Lady — You  know,  sir,  I  wish  my  portrait  to  be  a  total  surprise 

for  my  husband. 
Artist — Yes,  madame,  I  understand. 
Lady — And  you  will  try  not  to  have  too  strong  a  likeness,  as 

1  should  not  wish  him  to  recognize  it  at  the  first  glance. 


54 


A    DIFFICULT   LITFRARY   PFRFORMANCF. 

WOUNG  AUTHOR  (to  friend^— I  say.  Fred,  did  you  read 
1       my  last  article  in  the  Every  Other  Moiitblv? 

Friend  (enthusiastically  — Yes,  indeed,  old  boy  :  I  read  it 
through  twice  ! 

Young  Author — Oh,  then  you  must  have  found  it  very  inter- 
esting ? 

Friend — Well — er — no,  not  so  much  that :  but  Ferd  Smith  bet 
me  ten  dollars  that  1  couldn't  read  it  through  twice,  and 
1  bet  him  ten  dollars  that  I  could. 

A   NFCFSSARY   CAUTION. 

''  Remember,  Uncle  Rastus,"  cautioned  the  magistrate,  ''that 
you  are  not  compelled  to  disclose  anything  which  may 
criminate  yourself/' 
"  Den  1  reckon  111  keep  my  mouf  shet.  Judge,"  was  the 
wise  reply. 

NOT  THF   FIRST  TIME. 

"Was  it  the  girl's  father  who  broke  off  the  engagement?-'"' 
inquired  Jenkins. 
"  No,"  replied  the  jilted  lover,  "  it  was  her  little  brother." 


55 


IMPOSING   UPON   THE   POOR. 

IT  all  comes  o"  bein"  poor."  said  an  old  lady,  trembling  with 
indignation,  to  her  sick  husband.  "  I  jist  stopped  in  a 
minnit  at  the  Riches  to  tell  em  as  how  you  wasn't 
gittin'  any  better,  and  Mrs.  Rich  sed  she  was  sorry, 
and  wanted  me  to  bring  you  a  bottle  of  wine." 
"  Did  you  bring  it  ?"  asked  the  sick  man  eagerly. 
"  No  ;  1  heard  her  say  it  had  been  layin'  down  in  the  cellar 
ever  sence  i8ss,  an'  when  she  offered  it  to  me  1  iist 
walked  off  without  savin'  a  word."' 


56 


57 


A* 


IN   THE   CATSKILLS. 

NXIOUS  SISTER— Oh,  mamma,  call  Freddy,  or  he  will 
tumble  off  into  the  view  ! 


A   CHILLY   EVENING. 

Unwelcome  Suitor — That's  a  lovely  song!     It  always  carries 

me  away. 
She— If  I  had  known  how  much  pleasure  it  could  give  us 

both,  I  would  have  sung  it  earlier  in  the  evening. 
He  was  from  Philadelphia,  and  it  was  not  until  the  next 
morning,  in  the  train,  that  he   "caught  on,''  and  his  heart 
grew  sick  as  he  viewed  the  kindly  hint  in  the  light  of  subse- 
quent events. 

HE  CAN'T  GET  JUSTICE. 

Prisoner  (to  his  lawyer) — Do  you  think  I  shall  have  iustice 
shown  me  ? 

Lawyer  — I'm  afraid  you  won't.  You  see  I've  managed  to  get 
two  men  on  the  jury  who  are  opposed  to  capital  punish- 
ment. 


58 


A   GOOD    DFAL   IN   A   NAMH. 

HOW  is  your  new  gns-metre   comiiiK  on.  Jones— is  it  a 
success  ?  " 
■'No,  it's  :i  failure  ;  I  can't  get  anybody  to  touch  it." 
"  What  seems  to  be  the  trouble  ?" 

"  I  was  unfortunate  in  selecting  a  name  for  it  :  I  must 
have  been  a  fool  !  " 
"What  do  you  call  it?" 
"  "The  Busy  Bee.'" 

HE  KNKW  HE  WAS  RIGHT. 

Young   Hopeful — Papa,    the   prefix    "trans'"   means   across, 

doesn't  it  ? 
Old  Hopeful  (delightedly) — Yes,  my  son  ;  as  in  transatlantic, 

which  means  across  the  Atlantic. 
Young    Hopeful — Well,    then,    transparent    means  a  cross 

parent,  doesn't  it  ? 

TIME   IS   MONEY. 

Magistrate — Ten  dollars  or  ten  days.  Uncle  Rastus  ? 
Uncle  Rastus  (after  long  thought) — Well,  I  guess  Ell  take 
the  ten  dollars. 


59 


HIS   EARS   DECHIVED    HIM. 

FEATHERLY  (making-  an  evenin.^-  call) — So  your  mother 
has  returned  from  the  country,  Miss  Clara  ? 
Miss  Clara — Oh,  no  ;  she  woii't  be  back  until  next  week. 
Eeatherly  (surprised) — Strange  !    Is  not  that  her  voice  1  hear 

upstairs? 
Miss  Clara  (in  a  constrained  tone) — No  ;  that  is  Bobby  at 
work  with  his  new  scroll  saw. 


60 


'  i' 


6i 


ON  THE  ISLAND. 

VISITOR  (at  BlackwelTs  Island) — Well,  my  poor  woman, 
what  brought  yoLi  here  ? 
Woman — De  Brack  Maria,  sah,  an'  de  ferry  bo"t. 
Visitor — Yes,  I  understand.     But  what  are  you  in  for  ? 
Woman — Ise  in  fo'  ten  days,  sah. 

AN    UNFORESEEN    ACCIDENT. 

"Yes,"'  sighed  a  recent  widow,   "we  are  very  unfortunate. 
Poor  John  was  out  of  work  a  long  time,  and  when  he 
got  a  good  job  he  died." 
"  What  job  did  he  get  ? ""  she  was  asked. 
'*  He  joined  a  circus,  and  got  twenty  dollars  a  week  for  put- 
ting his  head  in  the  lion's  mouth  twice  a  day.     That's 
all  he  had  to  do.     It  seems  hard  he  should  have  died." 
••  What  did  he  die  of?  " 
"The  lion  bit  his  head  off." 

A   YOUNC   WOMAN'S   TASTE. 

Mrs.  Bunker  (of  Boston)— I  think  Miss  Waldo  was  the  most 

perfectly  dressed  woman  in  the  room. 
Mrs.    Emhrson — She    has   exejuisite    taste.     Did     she    wear 

jewelry  ? 
Mrs.  Bunkkr — Spectacles  only. 


62 


Y 


RHCALLING   A   QUOTATION. 

OUNG  FEATHFRLY-Do  you  recall  that  quotation,  Miss 
Waldo,  be,<(iniiinK  :  "No  pent  up— no  pent  up — pent  up 
Ithaca  contracts  " 

Miss  Waldo — ''  Pent  up  Utica,"  1  think,  Mr.  Featherly. 

Young  Feathkrly— Ah,  yes,  Utica  ;  thanks.  1  knew  it  was 
some  town  in  central  New  York. 

BFTTFR  THAN   A  STOVF. 

''  Madam,"  said  a  shivering  tramp,  ''  w— will  y — you  give  a 
p — poor  fellow  a  ch— chance  to  get  w— warm  ?"" 
"  Certainly,"  replied  the  woman  kindly  ;  "you  can  carry 
in  that  ton  of  coal  ;  but  don't  burn  yourself."' 

TAKING   NOTFS   FOR   A    BOOK. 

An  Englishman  had  been  in  this  country  only  five  minutes 
when  out  came  his  note  book. 

"The  national  extravagance,"  he  jotted  down,  "is  strongly 
illustrated  by  the  fact  that  even  the  bootblacks  wear  gold 
rings  in  their  ears." 


63 


TROUBLED   WITH    INSOMNIA. 

GENTLEMAN— You    look    tired    and    worn    out,    Uncle 
Rastus. 
Uncle  Rastus — Yes,  sah,  I  is.     I  doan"  git  no  sleep. 
Gentleman — No  sleep  ? 

Uncle  Rastus— No,  sah.     Dis  darky  can't  git  no  sleep  in  de 
watermillion  season. 


64 


65 


A   YOUNG   MAN'S   CUPIDITY. 

FATHER — Are  you  sure  that  Featherly  loves  you  ?  Perhaps 
he  wants  to  marry  you  for  your  money. 
D.AUGHTER  (an  heiress) — Yes,  I  am  sure  he  loves  me,  papa. 
He  swears  that  he  has  worshipped   me  from   the  tlrst 
moment  that  he  saw  me. 
Father — Where  did  he  first  see  you  ? 
DAUGHTER^At  Coney  Island. 
Father — Were  you  dressed  in  a  bathin.o-  suit? 
Daughter— Yes. 
Father — My  fears  are  realized.     He  is  after  your  money. 


66 


A'-^-l' 


67 


A   POSSIBLE   CATASTROPHE. 

MY  dear."  said  a  frightened  husband  in  tlie  middle  of  the 
night,   shaking   his  wife,   ''where   did   you   put   that 
bottle  of  strychnine  ?"" 
"On  the  shelf  next  to  the  peppermint." 
"  Oh.  Lord  !  ""  he  groaned,  "  I've  swallowed  it."" 
1/        "Well,  for  goodness"  sake,*"  whispered  his  wife,  "keep 
quiet,  or  you"ll  wake  the  baby."" 

EASILY   IDENTIFIED. 

Coroner — I  have  just  held  an  inquest  over  the  body  of  a  man 
found  drowned,  but  we  are  unable  to  identify  him. 

Citizen— It  may  be  Jack  Short.  He  has  been  missing  for  a 
week. 

Coroner — You  knew  Short,  did  you  ? 

Citizen — Knew  him  well. 

Coroner — Would  you  be  able  to  identify  him,  do  \'ou  think  ? 

Citizen— Oh,  yes:  easilw  He  had  an  inipeeliment  in  his 
speech. 

EVERYTHING    FIRST   CLASS. 

Mrs.  Moloney  (to  postal  clerk) — How  much  will  it  cost  to 

send  that  newspaper  ? 
Postal  Clerk — One  cent,  madam,  second  class. 
Mrs.  Moioney — Well,  then  give  me  a  two-cent  stamp,  and 

111  send  it  first  class. 


68 


A    BRACE   OF   COMIMJMHNTS. 

BOBBY  (to  youn,i{  Featherly) — Pa  was  telling  ma  and  Clara 
last  night  that  you  told  him  yoii  believed  in  paying  as 
you  go,  Mr.  Featherly,  and  ma  thought  you  were  a  very 
sensible  young  man. 
Featherly  (highly  gratified)— And  what  did  your  sister  Clara 

think,  Bobby  ? 
Bobby — She  didn't  think  you  could  go  very  far. 

ACCOUNTED    FOR. 

She — 1  am  sorry  your  sister  is  not  here,  Mr.  Blunt. 

Mr.  Blunt — She  didn't  feel  quite  able.  She  went  to  the 
cooking  school  this  morning,  and  you  know  after  the 
girls  get  through  cooking  they  have  to  eat  what  they've 
made. 

CONTEMPT  OF  COURT. 

Ignorance  of  the  law  excuses  no  one  but  a  judge.  'When 
he  doesn't  know  his  business,  a  higher  court  straightens  mat- 
ters out. 

READING   MAKETH   A    FULL   MAN. 

A  medical  journal  says  we  must  not  read  on  an  empty 
stomach.     We  suppose  we  can  read  the  bill  of  fare. 


69 


LOVERS  OF  BASE  BALL 

LITTLE  BOY  (near  the  Polo  grounds)— Hey  !  Johniiw  was 
y     dey  a  big  awjence  at  de  game  terday  ? 
Johnny  (who  observed  the  game  through  a  knot  hole) — 'Bout 

two  tousand. 
LiTTi.H  Boy  (incredulous) — Must  have  been  more  'n  that. 
Johnny— Dye  mean  cops  an'  all  ? 
LiTTLK  Boy — Yes. 
Johnny — 'Bout  tree  tousand,  1  guess. 


70 


71 


A  SUFFICIENT  REASON. 

VISITOR  from  out  of  town  (addressing  the  school) — hi  the 
year  1825,  my  dear  young  friends,  several  boys  walked 
from  Salem  to  Boston  and  back,  a  distance  of  thirty 
miles,  to  hear  Daniel  Webster  speak.  If  there  were  no 
railroads  or  means  of  transportation  to-day,  would  the 
boys  of  the  present  generation  undertake  such  a  journey, 
do  you  think  ? 

Small  Boy  (after  a  long  silence) — No,  sir. 

Visitor — Ah  I  and  why  ? 

Small  Boy — Because  Mr.  Webster  is  dead. 

ALMOST   FORGOTTEN    HIM. 

Magistrate — Ever  been  arrested  before  ? 

Prisoner— No,  sah. 

Magistrate — Didn't  1  send  you  to  the  Island  last  winter  for 

ten  days  ? 
Prisoner — 1  declar's  to  goodness,  now  1  looks  at  yo',  Jedge,  1 

b'lieves  yo'  did.     But  Ise  a  poo'  ban"  to  'member  laces. 

STARTlNCi    IN    RK^.HT. 

Smith — 1  want  to  bring  a  suit  against  Jones  for  libel. 
Lawyer — Has  Jones  libelled  you  ? 
Smith— He  has  all  but  ruined  my  character. 
Lawyer — How  much  do  xou  want  to  sue  him  lor  f 
Smith— Five  hundred  dollars.     1  don't  suppose  a   jur\-  will 
award  that  much,  but  its  better  to  start  at  the  maximum. 


72 


PROOF. 

UNCLK  RASTUS-Tse  williii"  ter  "kiiowledi^e  dat  1  stole 
de  ham,  sah,  but  dar  am  exteiuiaratin'  sahciimstances 
keriiected  wid  de  case,  sah.  1  was  'toxicated,  sah,  an" 
didn't  know  nolTen  what  I  was  "bout. 
Mr.  X— 1  don't  believe  you  were  intoxicated,  Uncle  Rastus. 
Uncle  Rastus — "Deed  1  was  :  1  kin  prove  it.  If  I  hadn't  been 
drunk  dat  night,  you"  honah,  I'd  a  toted  off  moan  one 
ham. 

RECAPTURED. 

MisTRHSs  (to  applicant  for  service) — How  many  nights  out  a 
week  ? 

Applicant — None,  mum.     Oi  niver  sthir  out. 

Mistress — Will  you  have  many  friends  to  see  you  ? 

Applicant — Nat  wan,  mum.     Oi  have  no  friends. 

Mistress — What  wages  will  you  expect ':" 

Applicant  -Oi'll  lave  that  to  ye,  muuL 

Mistress — What  kinds  of  housework  are  you  willing  for  ? 

Applicant— Oi"m  wullin'  to  wash  an"  airun  an"  cook  an'  schrub 
an'  clane  windys  an"  wait  on  table  an'  take  care  av  childer 
an'  carry  in  coal  an"  build  foires— (Here  a  loud  ringing 
was  heard  at  the  door,  and  the  keeper  of  an  asylum 
rushed  in  and  secured  the  lunatic.) 

BETTER   THAN   NOTHING. 

Woman  (to  tramp— Would  you  like  another  hot  biscuit  ? 
Tramp — You  can  give  me  one  more  if  you  like,   but  1  am 
afraid  thev  are  awfully  indigestible. 


73 


AN    EYE   TO   ECONOMY. 

WOUNG  HUSBAND— 1  believe  1  should  like  a  nice  turtle 
I      steak  for  dinner. 
Young  Wife  (of  a  thrifty  disposition ) — 1  am  afraid  turtle  steaks 

are  rather  expensive,  dear.     Wouldn't  you  be  satisfied 

with  a  mock-turtle  steak  ? 


74 


> 


THE   ONE  WHO   CELEBRATES. 


RS.  B— How  is  the  contested  will  case  coming  on.  Mr 
Shimmer  ? 


M 

Mr.  Shimmer — It  s  all  settled,  and  in  my  favor. 

Mrs.  B— I  congratnlate  you.     1  suppose  you  will  be  taking 

your  family  to  Europe  now  ? 
Mr.  Shimmer— No  :  but   1  understand  my  lawyer  sails  next 

week. 

THE   REASON   WHY. 

Small  boy  No.  i  (to  small  boy  No.  2,  who  is  strutting  around 
with  his  hands  in  his  pockets) — "Come  over  and  play 
with  me.  Johnny  ! "" 
"Cant." 
"Go  ask  your  mother  if  you  can't." 

"Can't  ask  her :  she's  out  somewheres  looking  for  me.'' 

THOROUGHLY   PREPARED. 

"Young  iiian,"  said  a  revivalist,  solemnly,  "do  you  feel  that 
you  are  prepared  to  answer  the  summons  at  any  mo- 
ment ?  l)o  you  realize  that  when  you  go  to  bed  at 
night  you  may  be  called  before  the  morning  dawns  ?  " 
"Oh,  yes,  sir.  I'm  night  clerk  in  :i  drugstore,  an' all 
you've  got  to  do  is  to  keep  on  rin.uin"  the  bell  until  you 
he:ir  me  holk-r." 


76 


WASTEFUL 

BUT  what  nil  awful  lot  o'  money  these  hif(h-toned  travelers 
waste  for  drink,"  said  Uncle  Abner,  as  he  laid  down  his 
newspaper.  "  A  man  who'll  pay  a  hundred  dollars  for  a  saloon 
passage  to  England,  when  he  can  go  in  the  steerage  for  twenty, 
is  a  slave  to  rum — that's  what  1  say  ! " 

A   WAR    REMINISCENCE. 

"  Yes,"  said  Dumley,  "  1  served  three  years  in  the  war  of  the 
Rebellion,   and   if  I  do   say  it   myself  I  made  a  good 
soldier." 
"  You  have  a  very  soldierly  bearing,"  said  young  Brown 
admiringly. 
"So  1  have  been   told,"  replied   Dumley.      "Even  to  this 
day,"  he  continued,  "  strains  of  martial  music  will  set 
my  pulses  bounding,  and  like  a  war  horse  1  scent  the 
battle  afar  off." 
"Were  you  ever  wounded,  Mr.   Dumley?"  asked  Mrs. 
Simpson-Hendricks,  considerably  excited. 
"N — no,"   he  said.     "I  never   was;    1  was  very   fortunate 
in  that  respect." 
"Yes,    indeed,"   ventured  young    Brown  ;    '"a   gunshot 
wound  is  an  ugly  thing.     1  suppose  you  can  attribute 
your  good  fortune  to  your  nose." 
"  What  has  my  nose  to  do  with  my  not  getting  wounded  ?" 
demanded  Dumley. 
"  Why— its  ability  to  scent  the  battle  afar  off." 


77 


THE   NATURE   OF   AN   OATH. 

JUDGE  (to  darky  witness) — Do  you  know  the  nature  of  an 
oath  ? 
Witness — Sah  ? 

Judge— Do  you  understand  what  you  are  to  swear  to  ? 
Witness — Yes,  sah.     1  am  to  swar  to  tell  de  truf. 
Judge — And  what  will  happen  if  you  do  not  tell  it  ? 
Witness— 1  'spects  our  side   "ill  win  de  case,  sah. 


78 


79 


AN  EVENING'S  PLEASURE  SPOILED. 

MY  dear,""   whispered  a  man  to  his  wife  as  they  seated 
themselves  in  a  theatre,   "1  left  my  pocket-book  at 
home." 
"  Havn't  you  any  money  at  all  ?  "" 
"Only  forty  cents."" 

''Won't  that  be  enough  ? " 
*'  Enough  ! "'  he  repeated  impatiently ;  "  it"s  a  tive-act  play."" 


80 


i,    ■ 


13' 


8i 


LOGICAL 

BOY  !  " 
"Mum?" 
"  Stop  that  noise  !     Do  you  want  to  deafen  us  ? 
"  Yes"m  :  then  you  won't  mind  the  noise."" 


82 


83 


A   SHABBY  AFFAIR. 

WIFF— Isthat  a  new  hat,  John? 
John  (.^iooniily) — Yes. 
WiFH — It's  a  shabbv-Iookinc:  affair. 
John — Yes  :  it's  an  election  hat. 


84 


\W 


THE  UNITED  STATES 


A   HISTORY 


-::-  ^j  *  j^  jg  ,^  well-known  fact  that  Christopher  Cokimbus 
was  the  alleged  discoverer  of  America,  and  that  14^2  was  the 
year  in  which  the  alleged  discovery  took  place.  As  a  matter 
of  f:ict,  however,  the  existence  of  this  country  was  known 
long  before  Christopher  Cokimbiis  was  born  ;  but  the  secret 
was  in  the  possession  of  a  number  of  barelegged  Indians,  who 
hadn't  the  business  capacity  to  make  any  money  out  of  it. 

85 


And  right  here  we  want  to  impress  upon  the  minds  of 
our  readers  the  importance  of  making  money.  An  American 
citizen  without  money  in  his  pocket  is  of  little  more  use  to 
the  world  than  the  younger  son  of  a  British  peer. 

At  the  time  our  story  opens,  i.e.,  the  alleged  discovery 
of  America  by  Christopher  Columbus,  the  population  of  the 
country  was  exclusively  made  up  of  Indians  and  wild  animals. 
A  striking  resemblance  existed  between  the  two  classes  in 
everything  but  personal  appearance.  Mentally  and  morally 
they  were  about  equally  endowed.  They  depended  largely 
upon  each  other  for  subsistence,  and  naturall}'  a  very  strong 
mutual  attachment  grew  up  between  them.  Sometimes  an 
Indian  would  have  a  wild  animal  for  supper :  and  then  again 
a  wild  animal  would  have  an  Indian  for  supper.  They  were 
very  tV)nd  of  each  other — at  supper. 

v:-  -::-  -::-  [^^fore  proceeding  further  we  wish  to  say  to  our 
readers  that  if  they  are  not  satisfied  with  the  performance  they 
can  have  their  money  refunded.  In  justice  to  ourseb'cs.  we 
will  state  th;il  it  shall  be  our  aim,  as  it  has  been  thus  far,  to 
meet  the  broad  questions  which  a  conscientiously  written 
history  of  America  naturally  calls  forth  in  a  manner  helilling 
their  iniportance,  iind  from  the  standpoint  ol"  a  fnthlul 
chronicler.  If  we  lead  the  student  into  an\-  nrw  fields  of 
thought,  or  present  the  salient  features  of  America's  past, 
present,  and  future  in  a  wider  and  more  enlightened  sense 
than  other  great  historians,  we  shall  simply  be  lilleel  with  the 

86 


plensnnt  consciousness  of  duty  done.  If  we  brii^iiten  n  single 
home,  or  make  lighter  or  happier  a  single  heart,  we  shall  be 
glad — and  if  we  don't,  we  shall  be  glad,  for  our  contract  with 
the  publisher  is  of  an  ironbound  nature,  and  we  get  our  money 
under  any  circumstances. 

We  should  like  to  give  our  readers  a  more  comprehensive 
idea  of  the  American  Indian  as  he  appeared  in  the  early  days 
of  our  country's  history  than  we  have  been  able  to,  but  lack 
of  space  and  information  forbid.  We  should  like  to  describe 
his  mode  of  living,  the  books  he  read,  the  studies  and  game 
he  pursued,  his  peculiar  aims  and  ambitions,  his  hopes  and 
fears,  his  bent  of  thought  and  bow,  his  physical  and  moral 
characteristics,  the  food  he  ate  and  the  brand  of  whisky  he 
preferred  ;  but,  as  stated,  lack  of  space  and  information  forbid. 
*  '■''■  *  Prior  to  the  year  1402  the  world  was  popularly  sup- 
posed to  be  tlat.  It  remained  for  Columbus  to  disclose  the 
true  condition  of  affairs.  Columbus  was  born  at  Cenoa,  Italy, 
about  1415.  This  somewhat  contlicts  with  a  former  state- 
ment that  he  was  born  in  Spain  ;  but  what  difference  does  it 
make,  after  all,  where  a  man  is  born?  The  place  where  he 
pays  his  bills  is  of  the  tirst  importance. 

His  early  life  was  uneventful  ;  this,  by  the  way,  is  the 
case  with  a  great  majority  of  early  lives. 

it  is  not  our  intention  to  dwell  at  length  upon  the  theories 
and  ideas  possessed  by  Columbus  regarding  the  formation  of 
the  world.     Certain  matters,  unworthy  of  historical  mention, 

87 


convinced  him  that  there  was  a  country  somewhere  on  the 
globe  called  America.  He  was  so  hrmly  convinced  of  this 
that  he  was  willing  to  borrow  money  to  prove  it. 

His  expedition  set  sail  from  Palos,  wherever  that  may  be, 
on  August  1,  14Q2.  It  consisted  of  sixty-six  seamen  and  three 
ships — the  ''Santa  Maria/'  the  "Pinta,"  and  the  "Nina." 
Columbus  sailed  in  the  "Santa  Maria''  himself.  "Santa"  is 
Spanish  for  black;  so  the  discoverer  of  this  country,  like  many 
of  its  present  inhabitants,  spent  considerable  time  in  the 
''Black  Maria." 

[We  think  "Santa"  is  Spanish  for  black.^ 

A  month  elapsed  before  the  Canary  Islands  were  reached. 
The  chief  product  of  these  islands  is  canary  birds.  Whether 
the  birds  were  named  for  the  islands,  or  the  islands  for  the 
birds,  is  of  no  special  importance  ;  but  they  probably  were. 

After  leaving  the  Canary  Islands,  which  they  were  glad 
to  do  owing  to  the  incessant  singing  of  the  birds,  they  sailed 
in  an  aimless  sort  of  way  for  many  days.  They  did  no  sailing 
at  night,  for  fear  that  in  the  darkness  they  might  pass  America 
without  seeing  it.  San  Salvador  was  finally  reached  and 
Columbus  took  possession  of  it  in  the  name  of  Spain. 

*  *  *  In  the  early  winter  of  1620  there  landed  on 
Plymouth  Rock  a  nondescript  band  of  Pilgrim  fathers,  ac- 
companied by  a  lull  complement  of  Pilgrim  mothers  and 
Pilgrim  children. 

It  may  be  that  we  are  keeping  up  too  rapid  a  gait  for  some 

88 


of  our  readers.  This  is  a  grown-up  person's  history  and  re- 
quires a  grown-up  person's  mind  to  grasp  it.  When  we  are 
compelled  to  write  history  for  children  to  support  our  family, 
we  shall  give  up  literature  if  we  have  to  work  for  a  living. 

These  Pilgrim  immigrants,  to  return  t(j  our  subject,  came 
from  England.  At  that  period  in  England  religious  persecu- 
tion was  carried  to  an  unnecessary  extent.  A  number  of 
Silurian  or  early  paleozoic  bigots  imagined  that  if  a  man  did 
not  attend  the  services  of  the  Established  Church  every  Sun- 
day and  the  weekly  prayer  meetings  on  Friday  nights,  he  was 
too  wicked  to  live;  so  they  proceeded  to  put  all  such  to 
death  in  a  christian  but  very  painful  manner. 

*  *  ^^  In  i(-)2<-),  if  our  memory  is  not  at  fault,  a  new 
colony  was  founded,  called  the  Massachusetts  Bay  colony. 
These  people  were  not  Pilgrims,  but  Puritans ;  they  left  Eng- 
land for  about  the  same  reason.  A  good  many  died  of  hard- 
ship and  fatigue  during  the  tlrst  year  or  two,  but  people  of 
the  present  generation  are  not  expected  to  feel  sorry  for  this. 

"■  ^  "'■  Everybody  who  didn't  attend  church  regularly 
on  Sunday  mornings  was  put  in  the  pillory  and  flogged  ;  so 
some  of  the  Puritans,  who  left  the  old  country  to  escape 
religious  persecution,  jumped  from  the  frying  pan  of  England 
into  the  lire  of  America. 

Everybody  at  that  time  carried  a  gun  to  church,  not 
through  fear  of  God,  but  through  fear  of  Indians. 

*  *    *    As  early  as  1014  the  town  of  New  Amsterdam, 

89 


now  New  York,  was  founded.  Henry  Hudson,  a  Dutchman, 
was  the  first  white  man  to  land  at  Castle  Garden.  He  sailed 
up  the  North  River  as  far  as  the  city  of  Hudson  (which  b\'  a 
curious  coincidence  enjoyed  the  same  name  as  himself)  in 
search  of  a  passage  to  India.  Nobody  but  a  Dutchman  would 
think  of  Q^oincr  to  India  via  the  North  River. 

"  "■  ^  Some  few  facts  regarding  Philadelphia  may  not 
prove  uninteresting  to  the  student.  A  Quaker  by  the  name 
of  William  Penn  is  responsible  for  the  city. 

He  laid  it  out  on  the  plan  of  the  ancient  city  of  Babylon, 
and  wished  to  have  it  "a  faire  and greene  country  town." 

As  a  green  country  town  Philadelphia  has  doubtless  ex- 
ceeded its  founder's  wildest  expectations.  ''■'  '■'  William 
Penn  was  a  man  of  gentle  disposition.  He  was  tolerant  of 
the  rights  of  others,  opposed  to  oppression,  and  believed  that 
kindness  was  more  effective  than  bloodshed.  It  was  his  mild 
policy  in  dealing  with  the  Indians  that  gave  rise  to  the  saying: 
"The  pen  is  mightier  than  the  sword." 

*  *  "  We  shall  pass  lightly  over  the  events  of  the 
Revolutionary  war.  The  historian  who  has  any  self  respect 
will  not  conline  himself  to  a  bare  recital  of  facts.  He  must 
draw  conclusions  :ind  study  results  ;  or  rather  study  results 
first  and  draw  conclusions  afterwards. 

■X-  -:<•  ■;<-  [•(^■(^•lino  i-;in  very  high  against  the  I'Dglish.  One 
patriotic  wom:in,  ;i  Mrs.  Crushing,  wantetl  other  women  to 
wear  sheep  and  goat  skins  in  preference  to  buying  British  goods, 

90 


and  a  few  Boston  women  did  so  :  but  it  doesn't  make  much 
difference  what  a  Boston  woman  wears  :  she  looks  about  the 
same.  *  "'  The  objection  which  the  colonists  had  to  the 
tax  on  tea  was  that  it  made  the  price  too  steep.  \i  was  all 
well  enough  to  steep  the  tea,  but  when  it  was  proposed  to 
steep  the  price  as  well,  their  patriotic  scnils  revolted.  This 
action  of  the  Bostonian  Indians  resulted  in  steeping  the 
country  in  a  war  with  Hn.^iand. 

The  first  blood  shed  was  at  the  battle  of  Lexington,  in 
177s ;  it  came  from  an  English  otTicer  who  was  wounded  in 
the  heel.  In  the  same  year  occurred  the  battle  of  Bunker  Hill. 
It  was  at  Bunker  Hill,  it  will  be  remembered,  that  the  lamented 
Warren  fell.  He  fell  from  the  top  of  the  monument  and  was 
killed  instantly. 

It  was  shortly  after  this  battle  that  George  Washington 
was  unanimously  chosen  Commander  in  Chief,  with  four 
major  generals,  one  of  whom  was  Artemus  Ward.  Ward 
fought  well,  but  he  was  a  poor  speller,  and  very  fond  of 
joking. 

On  the  Fourth  of  July,  1770,  the  Declaration  of  Independ- 
ence, written  by  Thomas  Jefferson,  the  original  Jelfersonian 
Democrat,  was  adopted,  and  the  "  United  States  of  America" 
assumed  a  local  habitation  and  a  name. 


91 


92 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 

This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 

m\i  2  01961 


t.  >.»*•' 


MAY  2  4 1975 


Form  Ij9-)7>n  f=i,'55(B333Us4)444 


THE  LIBRAKT  --         '^ 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIl 
LOS  Al^GELBS 


PN 

V»elch  - 

'161 

Said  in  fun 

^-l43s 

• 

S-:./ 

2  i)  msi 

PN 

6161 

VyU3s 

The  Library   of 
DAVID    FKEEDMAN 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


AA    000  415  222    9 


/ 


I 


PLEA*^*^  DO  NOT  REMOVE 
THIS  BOOK  CARD  ', 


u)  to 


\' 


^ILIBRARYQ^ 


University  Research  Library 


BOOK  NO.. 


n: 


•#■ 


^■: 


